Isn't that called "Self-loathing"????

Well, isn't the title interesting??? Hahahahaha...

Okay, focus...focus...

Okay, now that i'm focused, i can start writing this so-called analysis. Hahaha, who am i to say that i "know" anything about human behaviour? But, here goes, i'm gonna "say" what i think i know. If you disagree or think that i'm wrong, go ahead, i'm here just to speak my mind.

The story goes back to 2005. Whoa, a long time, eh? Yup, i'm gonna tell you how i met a friend of mine. Let's call him Yoga. I was a branch academic coordinator in E** when he came to join us as teaching staff. He just graduated from high school, about 18 years and some months. I also just graduated from my academy. Apparently, he sorta found some common things in us. I was 18 years and 3 months when i first joined E**, so he (maybe) thought that he could learn how to "survive" just like i did. Some friends of mine said that he kinda looked up to me. Hey, i was going on my 21st that year when i was appointed a branch academic coordinator. Ooopsie, yeah yeah, it was a small institution, so stop being big-headed!!!.. Uhm, i'm talking to myself here, it ain't important, so please continue reading...

And so, some (sweet) days went by. He was kind and full of dreams. And oh, he was religious, too. At least that what i think. I remember him saying "For real??" when i was about to pray. Dang! Nice one, bro! Cause i'm sassy too...
Sometimes, i cruelly "crushed" his dreams too. Because sometimes he spoke about some things that were too, umm, impossible. Ok, i'll rephrase it, some things infeasible. Well, i didn't mean to be so mean to him. Just thought that it would be much nicer to take a look around first then decide where you wanna be... or in short, think before you leap. That's all. 

No, no, this doesn't end here...so please keep reading.
Okay, then i got a job in ILP and decided to quit from E**. So i left the place and you can say that i started my new life in 2006. So i only knew Yoga for 6 months. What i mean by "knew" here is we met 6 days a week for those damned months. After my life in ILP, we still met sometimes. Ok, translation = during Lebaran. Hehehehe... Yoga, with my friend Lya (who he kinda "looked up to" too) came by to visit me. Well, that's because i, uh, don't really care about visiting. So, if you want to visit me, go ahead. But i rarely visit my friends... hehehehehe...
Then, when he stopped visiting me, because Lya keeps visiting me, i started to wonder... I asked Lya whether he had changed his number, had finished his studies or whether he was so busy. Lya only explained that he didn't want to come or simply because he had "stuff" to do. Okay, part of my questions was only lip service, and the other part was a real question. Yea, i missed teasing him, too. Hahahaha... Before the "visits", Yoga often asked about how i was doing, my opinions, and so on. Well, guess that because of the "look-up-to-me" thingy. So the story stopped when he stopped visiting me.

Na-ah, the story continues, guys...How come?

Well, another friend of mine, Ara, visited me to ahem, introduce a slimming product which i-would-never-buy-unless-i'm-a-fricking-millionaire-cause-it's-so-damn-expensive. She said that it really works as she is the living proof. Still, i wasn't convinced. She mentioned Yoga. Yoga wasn't that fat, but he was kinda big. I remember him as a "bapak-bapak" despite his age (18, remember). She said that Yoga had a new look. Well, ok, that triggered me to ask about that naive guy again. Ara's reaction was like, you know, stop-asking-about-him-cause-he-didn't even-ask-about-you. Actually, i made that up. Hahahaha... Ara only mentioned him to assure me, that's all. So the story paused there...

It didn't continue. Not until last month, and this month too.. Well, last month Dilla, a friend of mine too, went to Palembang. She wrote that in her facebook status. That reminded me of rusip, a kind of weird food my daddy used to eat. The rusip thing brought me back to the memory of my daddy. So i asked Dilla to bring me some. When she got back to town, she said that i could have it for free. Long story short, i fleed to her house. We talked about the good old days. Because Dilla and i were some of the few first people back then in E**. And so our talk got into Yoga thing again. She said that he had changed a lot.
Me: Is it because he's getting thinner? Becase Ara came to offer that product. Hahahaha
Dilla: No, not only that one, he now has straight hair. (Yoga's hair is kinda wavy and bushy)
Me: Really? Well, that's kinda hard to imagine.
Dilla: He often talks on the phone "abnormally".
Me: Huh??? What do you mean?
Dilla: Well, if you talk on the phone, you talk on the phone. He doesn't really "talk on the phone", you know, like exagerrating (read: lebay!)
Me: Ah, does he talk in Mandarin? (I took Mandarin course back then and Yoga seemed so excited about that, last time i heard, he managed to pick up some Mandarin)
Dilla: Yes, he does. But i think he kids of shows off... (Dilla is a very honest and nice lady. I know her as a very straightforward person who never tells a lie)
From our conversation i concluded that Yoga indeed has changed. Yeah, people change, so get a life... That's none of my business, no?

Last week, Lya called me to arrange bukpusber this week. Well, today is the day. She wished people from the old times could get together. That includes Yoga, eh? But Lya said that she doubted that he would want to join us.
Me: Why?
Lya: You know, he has changed a lot. 
Me: Yea, i got that from Mbak Dilla. She told me about the hair. Hahahaha
Lya: Well, you know. He had some injection.
Me: To be thin? I thought he had some products from Ara
Lya: No, to be white
Me: Get out of here!
Lya: He thinks he's Chinese.
Me: What do you mean?
Lya: You know, he thinks he's Chinese, not Indonesian. He even ordered glasses that wouldn't make his eyes bigger.


Uh-oh... now, i'm confused.


Lya: You remember how religious he was. Well, he isn't anymore.


Okay, now i'm confused.....


I told Thesi, my friend in XXX school about Yoga and his mindset of "being" a Chinese. Thesi said that he probably believes in reincarnation. He might believe that he was Chinese in the past. Well, i kinda believe in reincarnation too. I believe that i was a gay male. That's  why i can understand some of my gay male friends well. If it's about belief, that is out of the question. Nobody understands unless they believe in the same thing too. I believe that dragons exist. So i think i'm gonna waste my time debating with those who don't believe.


One thing about reincarnation, if that really happens, i just think we have to redo what we did in the past. If you were Chinese in your past life and now you're born Indonesian, does it mean that you have to have self alteration so that you are who you were. Emm, imagine if i have to have a genital surgery, do hormon therapy to change myself into a male. And not only that, i need to find my "love" out there in this unfair world. See, that's the world. It's cruel and never fair. So what i have in mind is, "You live in a world where God has given you permission to." So, since you got the permission to live, just live. By thanking Him for whatever you have now.

I think what happens to Yoga is "self-loathing". He seems like he's unhappy with himself being Yoga. Maybe he is not happy with his hair, his skin, well his Yoga. I feel so sorry for him. I think happiness is very crucial. I wish he can find his happiness. But i pity him for doing so many things that made him not Yoga anymore. 


Lya mentioned in her phone call that he might avoid me because he was afraid that i would judge him especially with his new look. Well, i won't judge without listening and analyzing. No, that won't happen. I regret not trying to keep in touch with him. Well, today, we're going to meet. I hope Yoga comes too.




Oooohhh God, this is long, eh? Thanks for reading
HIt me back, just to check
Surely yours
Lou
 

The Next Generation Kinda Gets Me Questioning

Yesterday, Monday the 16th of August, students of XXX Primary School Bekasi had an Independence Day ceremony. You know the kind, the one that we, uhm, probably we, had during school days.

Ah, for you who's wondering what the heck i'm talking about, you must have no idea that i'm a teacher. Yup, i started as an English instructor in a small course, then i moved to a bigger course, and yeah i sorta got into a school, as a teacher. I started last year and taught Grade 5. The system is quite simple. There are 2 teachers in a class. So my partner and i shared the lessons. I had English, Science, Art, Computer and i assisted PE. This year i'm handling 2 classes Grade 5 and Grade 6. I work with 2 other partners. My partner last year, Thesi and a new partner, Hera. Now i'm handling Bahasa Indonesia (go ahead laugh, if you know how "nice" my Bahasa Indonesia is), Science and Computer for both classes. 

Ok, that's what you missed on the last episode, LOL...

Back to the story>>>>>

Back in our school days (if you don't mind me saying "our"), we had so many ceremonies that we lost counts. I remember playing the recorder for Mengheningkan Cipta in from Grade 4 to Grade 6. I remember clearly joining Lomba Upacara Bendera when i was in Grade 9. And in Grade 10 or 11, my friends and i were appointed to sing in a choir for Upacara Peringatan Hari Kesaktian Pancasila in kantor Walikota Bekasi. Blah-bla-blah, yeah those were important, sarcastic minds think like that. What i'm about to "blabber" here is not about the "glorious" time. Cause it ain't glorious, na-ah... Something got me thinking. It's our next generation. 

Well, in the school i work for, the students are not used to having regular ceremony. So we can say that they are "lack" of nationalism or patriotism. We can see that from the Bahasa Indonesia they use. It sucks, man. Even though that doesn't mean that their English is very good. They're like mmm, i don't know... no words can describe them vividly clear to anybody's imagination.

Back to the Independence Day ceremony... All personnel in charge were from Grade 4. What made my jaw drop was a behaviour of a personnel, Victor (not his real name). He was one of the Pasukan Pengibar Bendera. After he and his friends "succesfully" did their job, he squated, took of his cap and used it as a fan in the middle of the unfinished ceremony... Not to mention, during the Hari Merdeka song, he acted like a guitarist. It'd look funny and amusing if it weren't a "ceremony". And, if you think that Victor is a special need, which probably helps us sigh relieved, nope! He's not. He's not one of those children. Oh dear God, whatever happens to our future Indonesia?????

Victor is just an example of what some of my friends and i are worried about. Some of my students are also "weak". The last ceremony we had, some of them were "too tired" to stand straight, complained how hot it was, asked to go home afterwards because of feeling dizzy from standing under the sun for for-God's-sake-only-thirty-minutes!!!

See, that got me questioning the school. Is this the way we "educate" the future leaders? Should we go back to our convetional way, the way we had our education long ago? No. That's not the key either. Why? To be honest, those lack-of-nationalism kids are brilliant! They're very critical. They have been trained to use logic that makes them very open-minded.

Well, there's hope, always... The one that keeps us alive.

I'm Indonesian and proud of being one. Happy anniversary, my beloved Indonesia. May God be with you always. Happy Independence my fellow Indonesians... Keep the hope alive!!! MERDEKA!!!!!!!!

Hit me back, just to check 

Surely yours

Lou

Hi There

Hi bloggers!!!

I'm a newbie here... Oh, yeah, i know... It's kinda late to start a blog while millions of civilized people out there have started to get bored with this thing, or not...

Well, lemme tell you something about me... I used to love writing. When i was younger, see, younger, that doesn't make me sound old, does it? I loved writing. In fact, i wrote almost anything. Poems, journals, short stories, longer stories, even novels, seriously! I also made my-own-indonesian-translated songs, you know, the kind of songs you really love and wish there were some available in your mother tongue...

Okay, it's getting out of the topic. What i'm about to write in this blog is pretty much about me. Hahaha, b-o-r-i-n-g... Well, just decide when you read my next posts. 

There are many things about me that i would like to share. Yet, i would like to "invite" anyone who likes foreign languages. I'm fond of learning languages, but i don't think i can handle new languages. Right now, I'm trying to learn more about Bahasa Indonesia, my very own native language. Duh!!! You're probably thinking, "What the hell are you doing writing this in English?!" Well, that's just because i prefer writing in English, at least i wouldn't have to consult Pusat Bahasa about my spellings or choices of words. 

Okay, i guess that just made an opening. 

Hit me back, just to check

Surely yours

Lou